Out of Control

Typically family planning is stuff you keep secret - the first few months of pregnancy it's supposed to be very hush-hush. Only a select few in the "circle of trust" know until the first trimester is over and it's "safe" to tell the world that a new, beautiful life is on the way.

Well, I'm not pregnant, but I'd like to be. And that's been true for a few months now, so I've decided just to go ahead and be honest about it. I wish I could have that first trimester secret, but no such luck. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for about three months now and as of yet there's no baby to speak of.

I'm trying not to be too disappointed because we haven't been "trying" that hard - we're just "not not trying" as my husband and I like to say. Also, I know so many people who can't get pregnant at all, and I already have one beautiful blessing to call my own. Furthermore, it's only been a few months since I've been off birth control and they typically tell you not to worry unless it's been a year.

And that's where my trust issue has come into play big time. Since my husband is a teacher and it worked so well last time having a child in the late spring/summer, that's what we were hoping for again this time. Well, it doesn't look like that's going to happen. Looks like God has another plan in mind for us. And we are trusting that it's a plan better than our own.

It was very difficult for me when my son was born those first few weeks when my husband was still working. And it was SUCH a relief when he finally had the summer off to help out and be with us. It's hard to believe sometimes that we don't have more control over things that for some reason we think we should have control over. Which is hilarious because for thousands of years there was no such thing as "family planning" - or at least not that I'm aware of. Now we have all this technology and information and I think sometimes it does more harm than good.

For instance, I've spent countless hours the past few days trying to google various things about myself - how long/short my cycles have been, that I've been terribly irregular, that I've been super tired - to try to see if there is something wrong with me. Not my best idea, I admit.

Anyway, I've been praying about it a lot, and my husband has too. I do have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow just to make sure everything's OK. I'm sure it will all be fine, but this whole process has really made me appreciate the sweet child I already have - so much so that if he's the only one I can have for some reason - I will still have joy every day from him and from God, who gave him to us.